[Warning: There may be some swear words. Just warning you. Probably not a big deal]
Towards the end of my time writing for the Lords of Pain
Columns forum, I came up with this idea called the Failbag. I know, I know,
such an original idea, I'm totally not ripping off columnist legend (and now
martyr) Bill Simmons. Except here's the catch; the emails I got may or may not
have been real. Which is to say...shit I can't give it away. Leave it up to
your imagination! In any event, I thought it would be a good idea to break this
bad boy out now to include all topics. So starting today, this is either going
to become a weekly or bi-weekly thing (haven't decided yet), and you are more
than welcome to send any type of question you desire. But let's not waste time,
I need to answer some mail. ON WITH THE SHOW!
What was up that time Roddy Piper kept quietly chanting
“Y2J” while other people were talking?
-Fox, Washington
First off, I have no recollection of this moment even
happening. Secondly, if it dad happen, I'm glad I missed it. And finally, we
know what was up. Piper was either drunk, high, thinking he was still on set
for They Live, or all three. I'm going to go with all three. That's Hot Rod for
you. At least he gave us many years of great promos and They Live before he burnt himself to a crisp.
Why do the Wild suck dick?
-T.O., Minnesota
I'm sensing a bitter Minnesota Wild here. Look, the Wild
aren't a bad team. Zach Parise, Ryan Suter, Jason Pominville, Mikku Koivu and
Thomas Vanek (among others) are talented players, and I personally think Mike
Yeo is a very good young coach. There's talent. The reason they got swept was
because a) The Blackhawks are really, REALLY good, b) they appear to have
Minnesota's number (the Hawks have beaten Minnesota three straight years in the
playoffs) and c) Devan Dubnyk stopped being one of the best goalies in the NHL
and reverted back to the dude who made the Edmonton Oilers go "thank you,
please leave. NOW!". That's why they lost, not because they're bad.
Alright, maybe Dubnyk was bad, but not the team. Poor Devan; and here I was
thinking I didn't have to make jokes about how bad he was with the Oilers ever
again.
Spider-Man reboot? Yay, nay or meh? And who do you want to
play the web slinger?
-Subho, the Abyss to Which You Run
Meh, with a side order of extra meh. How many times are they
going to reboot the web slinger? Batman thinks they keep going to the well too
often for crying out loud. I get that Marvel wants Spider-Man for the upcoming
Civil War film, and I'm all for him getting some shine there. But yet another
attempt at a Spider-Man series? Stop. The only way I can be convinced this is a
good idea is if the right director is picked (unlikely), Donald Glover is cast
as Spider-Man or if Marvel stops this trend of turning into a dictatorship that
takes away the filmmakers control. Beyond that, I'll be rolling with Zack
Snyder. Bring on the haters you Marvel hypocrites!
Did you enjoy Age of Ultron?
-Marvel Executive #33, Disney
I haven't seen it, and I'm not going to see it until Joss
Whedon's cut is made available on DVD/Blu Ray. Stop silencing your director's
voices Marvel.
What’s a good name for a new wrestling promotion?
-mizfan, LOP
World Wide Championship Wrestling. WWCW. Came up with it
when I was eight years old, and have always wondered why someone hasn't done
this since. Then again, seeing as everyone is always falling over themselves to
apologize for WWE these days despite claiming they hate it and want something
new, perhaps it's not surprising no one has stepped up to start something new.
Thank goodness for Lucha Underground right?
Frankie Kazarian & Antonio Banderas = The Same Person???
-Dakota, Los Angeles
Sadly, for Kaz, no. You imagine how much he probably wishes
he was though? Not that being a successful, entertaining wrestler (who both WWE
and TNA misused) who's married to Tracy Brooks isn't good, but come on. Antonio
Banderas has lived the life; he's been involved with many attractive women,
he's made millions of dollars, he gets to pal around with Robert Rodriguez
whenever he wants, and on top of that, he was fucking Zorro. You don't get much
better than Zorro. He's like Turok if Turok was Mexican instead of Native
American. Or if Zorro was Turok. Now I'm confused; this is what I get for
bringing up the Son of Stone.
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| Take that Jurassic Park! |
Is there any way Jeff Jarrett (or anyone) could have made TNA a true competitor
to WWE when he had the chance?
-Bobby Lashley Guy, Impact Zone
I would like to say that the answer to this is Ted Turner.
He loves wrestling, he has two channels that could've provided TNA with a ton
of eyeballs, and he proved with WCW he was willing to bankroll a wrestling
company for years, regardless of the money it lost. Truthfully though, I don't
think he wants to get back into the wrestling business (why would he have
waited ten plus years to do so?) and even if he did, no one could've saved TNA.
They've had a lot of great talent and at times have been the strongest
wrestling promotion in America quality wise, and it's never amounted to
anything. It just never was meant to be with TNA; I'm pretty sure Vince McMahon
before he lost his mind couldn't have made it a true competitor.
The character of Denny Crane represents the pathos of outliving one’s wits, of
confronting the inevitability of decline with humor and aplomb, both softens
and satirizes the harsher natures of our conservative culture, and can
literally provoke me to tears if I watch certain episodes of Boston Legal.
Captain Kirk represents boning green women. How can you continue to defend your
intransigent blindness to the obvious truth of this matter??
-Chris, Impact Zone
My apologies readers. Back when I used to write these for
Lords of Pain, I frequently received emails from this delusional Boston Legal
fan who inexplicably thinks Denny Crane is a better character than the immortal
James Tiberius Kirk. Evidently, he has followed me here to pester me once more
about how Crane is the greatest thing William Shatner ever did. For the final
time dude, it's not even close. Denny Crane is no slouch, but he is no James T.
Kirk, captain of the stars, lover of green women, and the cause of death for
Bones McCoy at the age of 67. Of all the characters of Shatner I've ever
encountered in my travels, Kirk was the most...awesome. See what I did there?
Now let it go man!
Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn; hot or not?
-Skeegan, UCONN
To be honest; not that big a fan of Margot Robbie as far as
looks go. I know, blasphemy, but there's just something about her that I'm not
really attracted to. She can act just fine though, and I like the look they
have for her as Harley. Very punk rocker esq, which seems to fit exactly what
David Ayer is going for with Suicide Squad. Is it wrong I'm more excited for
that and Dawn of Justice than the Marvel stuff? Perhaps it's my DC bias
talking, but I think those movies could easily top it. Then again, I also think
Yvonne Strahovski is hotter than Margot Robbie, so what do I know (a lot is the
correct answer)?
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| There is hope for Mazza and Matt Mortensen yet! |
To what one thing do you most attribute the success of the
Austin/McMahon feud?
-Julio, Key West
The Montreal Screwjob. Seriously. The main catalyst for why
Austin-McMahon was able to take off was the heel turn Vince pulled off in the
winter of 1997. What caused him to turn heel? The Screwjob, followed by the
whole "Bret Screwed Bret" interview and the underrated Black Hart
angle with Owen Hart. The fans rallied against Vince for taking away and, in a
manner of speaking, violating their hero and their trust. Austin was then able
to take that fan outrage and use it to motivate him against McMahon. He wasn't
just fighting for himself; he was fighting for the people who no longer trusted
Authority and for Bret, the man who was screwed by a man he trusted. That is
what made the feud great for a period of time, and that only exists because of
the Montreal Screwjob.
TAWM BRADY IS DA FUCKIN MAN! HE'D NEVA CHEAT A DAY IN HIS LIFE, AMERICA IS JUST HATIN ON
TAWM WICKET HAAARD! COUNT MY SUPERBOWL RINGS BITCH AND DAFLATE DEEZE!
-Rob, New England
...yup, people aren't taking a story about air being let out
of a football too seriously at all! Here's a hint, watch real football dude,
and leave dear old Roger behind.
Do you think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is going to kill
superhero movies once and for all?
-Joss, Sunnydale
It's on its way, if it hasn't already happened yet. I'm a
lifelong comic book guy; I love Batman, Superman, Daredevil, Howard the Duck
and numerous other heroes. Some of my favorite movies involve these guys, and
for the most part I've enjoyed the Marvel films. But recently, it's gotten too
much. Ask yourself, seriously, how many of these Marvel films have actually
been good. Hell, ask yourself how many superhero films recently have been
great? Honestly, the only ones I can think of (not counting Nolan's Batman
films obviously) are Guardians of the Galaxy, The Avengers and Captain America:
Winter Soldier. Beyond that, Thor and the first Captain America were good but
not great, the Iron Man films were vastly overrated, no one remembers the Ed
Norton Hulk and Thor 2 was terrible. And that was despite having Chuck Bartowski in it! Also, if we count TV, Agents of
S.H.I.E.L.D hasn't done a whole lot either. It's best moment was when Bill Paxton defected to Hydra for crying out loud. The point is, it's not like they're banging out Kubrick films in
the MCU.
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| Game over man! Game over! |
Now, take all of that, combine it with the fact that we're
now about to witness yet another Spider-Man reboot, how every single film/show
seems exactly the same and that Marvel is turning into the spitting image of a
totalitarian 1980's film studio. Does that look like a bright future to you?
Financially, I'm sure everything will continue to be fine for Marvel and
Disney. The Iron Man films still made money despite getting progressively worse
after all. But long term, unless there are more shows/films out there like
Daredevil that allow the behind the scenes people to be creative and different,
fatigue is definitely going to set in. If nothing else, this is why I'm excited
for what DC is going to do. They could easily flop, especially with the hit or
miss man himself (Snyder) in the Whedon position, but it'll at least be
different than what Marvel is doing. Different is paramount if comic book films
want to continue drawing Mayweather money.
True or false: WWE will try to squash the “Ole” chants for
Sami Zayn when he is brought up to the main roster, since they did not
originate in WWE.
-Garlic Jr., the Death Zone
False, as the WWE seemed fine with them the other night on
RAW. How long that lasts is another question. We'll probably find out once
Vince McMahon is done issuing another memo about how Roman Reigns is the
greatest thing since Pizza Pringles.
Who the hell do the people who criticize Ric Flair for wrestling a few matches
for TNA think they are? Do they think their own made up sense of indignation is
worth more than a man’s passion or livelihood?
-David, North Carolina
Man, can we get some LU questions in here sooner or later?
All this WWE and TNA talk is making me enjoy this new Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles film. A film that by the way featured the immortal line "THE
TURTLES ARE THE VIGILANTES!!!!". Cowafuck you Michael Bay.
Alright, I'll answer the question. I get why people would be
upset about Flair wrestling again. Say what you will about how poor WWE may or
may not have been recently (I'm being kind there just for you dudes on Right
Side of the Pond), but they gave him an awesome retirement match and send off
back in 2008. I still get a little teary eyed watching recaps of it. That he
then came out of retirement not long after kind of defeats the purpose of all
that, which is definitely something that would anger people, America against
Tom Brady style. In the end though, people make a bigger deal out it than needs
to be made. The dude needed money, he clearly still had the itch, and he's not
the first wrestler to Brett Farve his way back into the big leagues. Let it go
WWE fans. Why is it when someone big does something in TNA they suck, but when
they're awful in WWE they are Gods? Now let's move on. I want some LU here!
Who is Matanza?
-Mazza (Closeted LU fan), England
That's what I'm talking about. I actually asked this
question in a mega collab column I did a few months ago, and my answers are the
same now. Who I want it to be is CM Punk. I know he's done with wrestling, but
he's my favorite and the best wrestler I've ever seen. Plus, the amount of shit
that would fill Vince McMahon's pants if Punk went there could be enough to
build a real life Hyrule Castle. As that's not realistic though, I'm going to
go with the Mexican wrestler Chessman. He's a bigger wrestler than most of the
Lucha Underground roster, he's a darker character down in AAA, and as AAA and
the LU are associated together, it's very easy for him to come in. One way or
another, can we just find out who he is?! I WANT TO KNOW! How many more times
do I have to say this before we get some answers? This better not turn into the
end of Lost.
Will Smith as Deadshot -- seriously??
-Eric, Rhode Island
Almost as bad as Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. Speaking of
that!
Are you hoping that Deadpool exceeds expectations? Or will
it crash and burn like Ryan Reynold's past hero role, Green Lantern?
-Edward, Los Angeles
Deadpool is going to crash and burn quicker than Tom Brady's
reputation. I have no faith in Ryan Reynolds for this part; he's not a terrible
actor and Green Lantern wasn't entirely his fault, but he also proved with it
that he's not the guy to be a superhero. What was Nathan Fillion doing that
made him unavailable for this role again? This is the second time Reynolds has
stolen a superhero part from him, and just like the last time, I expect the
results to be poor. It also doesn't help that Deadpool's director (a Tim
Miller) has made the same amount of movies as I have.
Why does Japan have 80,000 wrestling promotions while the
rest of Asia and Europe have almost none that are well known?
-Ajax, Germany
Because you touch yourself at night! And also because Japan
is, along with Mexico, England, the US and Canada one of the biggest wrestling
hotbeds in the world and have New Japan. But mostly, it's the first reason I
listed. Get on that, then maybe my boy Alex Wright's promotion in Germany can
take off. Or he could come to the states. Can we just bring back Das
Wunderkind? Only 40, still in great shape, still the man!
What would you do to improve the Authority as the general
antagonists of the WWE?
-Master Splinter, the Sewers
Get rid of them. The Authority served a purpose when Daniel
Bryan was making his run that would ultimately end in injury, disappointment
and Roman Reigns; now they're just the annoying group in the background when
Seth Rollins tries to do something. I'd slowly faze them out and use someone
else to fill the power vacuum. Which means in 2018, Vince will finally break
them up and then replace them with himself once more. So fresh. So clean.
Bring back Starburns!
-Starburns, Greendale
Ah, a Community...statement? A good one too; where has Starburns
been? Did his van/meth lab blow up again? Is he lurking somewhere in the
shadows, waiting for the next paintball episode? Is he really Garrett in
disguise? Whatever the case, I'm sure we'll see him at some point. It's
Starburns; Community without Starburns would be like the show ending with six
seasons and no movie. And there will be a movie.
Jeff and Britta or Jeff and Annie. Choose, but choose
wisely.
-Grail King, Undisclosed Location
Tough one. On one hand, I spent most of the show rooting for
Jeff and Britta, mainly because the first season set that all up and TV shows
do a great job at manipulating me. As I've gotten older and wiser though, the
thought of Jeff and Britta together is like "there will never be another
Sega console" levels of horrifying, not to mention that Jeff and Annie
have a lot more chemistry. So in the end, I'm gonna go with...Jeff and Britta. What
can I say, chaos is funnier than meant to be. Plus, single Annie gives me hope
for wooing a single Alison Brie one day. I know it doesn't make sense, but let
me hold onto it anyway!
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| Beautiful and dangerous |
You have chosen...wisely.
-Grail King, Undisclosed Location
Why thank you Mr. Grail Knight who totally isn't me and
totally knew I was going to choose wisely before I answered the question!
Am I wrong in thinking that Guardians of the Galaxy is the best movie of the
franchise so far?
-Dave, Washington
No; Guardians was hilarious, it made Andy Dwyer a star, it
made Dave Bautista look like a genius for telling Vince to John Carter himself,
and most importantly it had Howard the freakin Duck. I went to see that film specifically
to see the master of Quack Fu, even though he was onscreen for about as long as
Fred Durst was famous. The film still remains the biggest winner thus far in
the MCU. And to think I thought it was going to bomb! I admit, mistakes were
made, though I still regret nothing.
What does Lucha Underground need to compete with WWE on a
bigger scale?
-The Man From Another Place, Another Place
Great question. I'll go into this more in a column next
week, but what the LU could really use is a new TV Network. I hate saying that
because I love El Rey; it's a channel filled with grindhouse flicks, X-Files
reruns, kung fu movies and wrestling. That's practically made for me. But
unless it gets into more homes soon, El Rey won't be able to get the LU known
on a bigger scale. Thus, another network will be needed eventually. I know,
sad. It appears we'll be ending this on a sour note.
Super web tasarım hizmetleri!
-Yunus, Turkey
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