Well, today is May 4th, which means it's Star Wars day. Why?
Because according to my friend and hype man Joe Brown, May 4th allows Star Wars
fans to say and tweet May the 4th Be With You, which is apparently cooler to say
than May the 25th (the day A New Hope was actually released) Be With You
(spoiler alert; it is). So in honor of Star Wars day, I thought I'd do a Star
Wars column. And since everyone except Matt Mortensen and Stephen A. Smith were
disappointed in the big fight this past Saturday, I thought we'd take a look at
some of the more interesting one on one (and sometimes two on one) duels from
the (sometimes) legendary George Lucas films. So pour yourself a Pepsi and
pause Blade Runner (I did to write this column), this is the Top Ten Lightsaber
Duels of All Time. You probably won't agree with it. But then again, who does?
ON WITH THE SHOW!
10.
Qui-Gon Jinn vs.
Darth Maul (The Phantom Menace)
Let's be honest; this only makes the list because Obi-Wan
vs. Grievous and the second Dooku vs. Obi-Wan/Anakin fight are as memorable as
what I had for lunch yesterday. There's nothing special about this fight
otherwise. Maul catches Qui-Gon off guard, does a few cool flips and forces the
stoic as hell Obi-Wan to maneuver the royal Nabooan cruiser to quickly carry
his master off to safety. Mayweather-Pacquiao was better than this fight. It
also didn't involve an annoying kid who you repeatedly wanted to deck in the
face. Wait a minute...
My God, it did!
9.
Yoda vs. Count Dooku
(Attack of the Clones)
In the world of professional wrestling, there's occasionally
a bout that is labeled a spot match. Basically, it's a match that features a
lot of crazy moves, with little to no meaning behind them whatsoever.
Youda-Dooku is a spot fest. I know, it features the first ever footage of Yoda
in action, and Christopher Lee as the villainous Dooku is one of the few
consistent bright spots of the prequel trilogy. But come on; this fight is just
silly, especially when all that happens is Yoda jumping around like he's
Michael Jordan every five seconds. There were scenes featuring Anakin and Padme
in Attack of the Clones that had more substance than this one! Ah well, it gets
on here because it's Yoda's first, and because I'm likely biased against it.
What can I say; I hate CGI Yoda. It was the stupidest, most unnecessary thing
ever! You don't see Spider-Man having all the great things about him taken away
so he can be a cooler special effect, do you? On second thought, don't answer
that.
8.
Yoda vs. Palpatine
(Revenge of the Sith)
Ugh, another Yoda battle?
Seriously, I don't mean to hate on the little green blob
(alright, maybe a little), but this fight isn't exactly that great either in my
opinion. This is especially true when you compare it to the other battle that's
going on simultaneously. Much like the Dooku fight, it's a good idea in theory;
you get to see Yoda throw down and you get to see him face, for all intents and
purposes, his counterpart for the whole series. But aside from that? Not much.
It only gets number eight because of the low quality of the ones below it.
7.
Obi-Wan and Anakin
vs. Count Dooku (Attack of the Clones)
We're starting to get a little better with this bout.
Serving as the lead up to the Great Disappointment (aka Yoda-Dooku), this
handicap bout turns out to be the best showcase for Dooku. He easily disposes
of Obi-Wan, and then has a better than you remember clash with Anakin. I really
like the close up shots of the two fighting; it's not flashy, but it's
effective, and serves as a nice callback to the original battle between Obi-Wan
and Vader in A New Hope. It also highlights young Anakin's weaknesses,
something that would totally, TOTALLY not come back to haunt him, the love of
his life, his trainer or everyone else in the galaxy later on.
6.
Mace Windu vs.
Palpatine (Revenge of the Sith)
Finally, we're onto the good stuff! The first four duels
were the equivalent of coming home with store brand cola and cookies. The
next six are coming home with Pepsi and
double stuff Oreos! Yes, I eat those two together sometimes. Fight me!
This is a very important duel in the lightsaber canon. One,
it's the first time we ever see Palpatine in action, something we waited for a
long ass time. Two, it's the first time we've ever seen Mace Windu in solo
action; yes he gets a few cool scenes with the purple (yes, PURPLE!) saber in
Attack of the Clones, but it's primarily to kill the homeless man's storm
troopers who were populating the area. And three, this is the fight that
ultimately turns Anakin from the Chosen One into someone who becomes more
machine than man. By the by, where are we ranking Anakin's choke in the biggest
chokes of all time list? I say it's somewhere between WCW blowing the Monday
Night War, the Yankees failing to close out the Red Sox in 2004, every LeBron
James playoff run before 2012 and Marvel deciding not to give Joss Whedon full
creative control. That last one isn't widely known yet, but it will be. IT.
WILL. BE.
5.
Obi-Wan Kenobi vs.
Darth Vader (A New Hope)
The original, the first of its kind, the Hogan/Mr. T vs. Mr.
Wonderful/Roddy Piper of lightsaber duels. From an appearance perspective, this
far from being the most aesthetically pleasing battle. There's no major stunt
work done here; it's pretty much two guys fighting defensively in order to not
get killed. And really, what would you have expected with a sixty plus year old
Alec Guinness as one of the combatants? Still, it's a memorable fight, thanks
in a large part to the great Guinness' performance (he remains the only actor
to receive an Oscar nomination for performing in Star Wars) and some of the
better dialog George Lucas would write. Plus, you cannot hate on the original.
Unless it's a horror series. Then you pretty much just hate on all of them.
4.
Luke-Vader I (The
Empire Strikes Back)
I know, I know; the best Stars
Wars film doesn't have the best lightsaber fight?! Honestly, you could make the
case for this being the best; it's got a lot of cool stunts, some impressive
lines ("the force is strong in you young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi
YET!") and a most impressive shocking reveal. To me though, it's a prelude
to a better duel in Return of the Jedi more than it is great. Plus, the fight
is too one sided. Vader easily, EASILY, beats Luke in this battle. It's pretty
much how everyone described Mayweather-Pacquiao, only if Floyd had actually
taken the offense to Pacquiao instead of running, clinching, and playing
defense the entire time. Darth Vader doesn't play the rope a dope game.
3.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
vs. Darth Maul (The Phantom Menace)
Say what you will about the Phantom Menace, but it did give
us two excellent scenes; the pod race, and this climatic battle. But while we
had to look at the most annoying little shit in the history of time during the
pod race, Maul vs. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan features nothing, but excellence. Maul
shows off the double barreled lightsaber and some of the most jaw dropping
athleticism in film history. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon somehow manage to keep up with
him. For the love of all things, even the film score nails the scene. This
fight literally almost saves the Phantom Menace, and if it had, it would've
been number one. Alas, it's still top three, and still the only lightsaber duel
to feature in fight meditation. That totally cost Qui-Gon there, I'm telling
you.
2.
Obi-Wan
Kenobi vs. Anakin Skywalker (Revenge of the Sith)
There's balls to the wall, and
then there's evil, emo Anakin vs. betrayed, wise Obi-Wan in the middle of a
lava planet. Mother of puss bucket, this is a five star duel. Hearts are
broken. People fall into molten pits. Death is defied more times than a Mick
Foley Hell in a Cell match. Some of the worst dialog in the history of recorded
time can be heard during this fight (and if you don't agree with that, you
really are lost. See what I did there?!) Through it all, this fight, this
breakdown between mentor and student (as well as two friends) is a spectacular
affair, with a whole lot of meaning, a whole lot of sadness and a whole lot of
boiling lava. What more could you ask for in a fight that had been built up for
many years? This is how you live up to the hype Mayweather-Pacquiao!
1.
Luke-Vader II (Return of the Jedi)
This is, as the Macho Man Randy Savage would put it, the
cream of the crop. So much is on the line here. The fate of the galaxy, the
soul of Anakin Skywalker, the soul of Luke Skywalker, the list goes on and on
and on. The stakes couldn't be higher, and thankfully the fight delivers. It
doesn't necessarily have the amount of cool moments that the three way duel in
Phantom Menace has, and it certainly doesn't have as creative a setting as the
Obi-Wan-Anakin duel from Revenge of the Sith. But it still delivers the goods,
and the storytelling is so strong that, in my opinion, you can't not put it in
the top spot. A young man comes of age, saves his father, saves the galaxy and
overthrows a Galactic Empire. And an old guy gets thrown all the way to the
bottom of the Death Star! What more could you possibly want?
 |
| He regrets nothing. |
That's it dudes and dudettes, hope you enjoyed. I'll be back
tomorrow with...something. I don't know, I don't plan that far ahead! Till
then, read Just Business on the front page of LOP, go Flames, screw the Ducks,
watch Blade Runner on a big screen the first opportunity you get, always make
sure you're not supporting a domestic abuser before you tweet, always make sure
you're not angry about being kept from a fight before you tweet, just don't
tweet, and of course, bow down to the, bow down to the DUCHOVNY! *insert
Motorhead rift*
Please change disks to
continue...
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