Friday, May 8, 2015

The Return of the Failbag



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[Warning: There may be some swear words. Just warning you. Probably not a big deal]

Towards the end of my time writing for the Lords of Pain Columns forum, I came up with this idea called the Failbag. I know, I know, such an original idea, I'm totally not ripping off columnist legend (and now martyr) Bill Simmons. Except here's the catch; the emails I got may or may not have been real. Which is to say...shit I can't give it away. Leave it up to your imagination! In any event, I thought it would be a good idea to break this bad boy out now to include all topics. So starting today, this is either going to become a weekly or bi-weekly thing (haven't decided yet), and you are more than welcome to send any type of question you desire. But let's not waste time, I need to answer some mail. ON WITH THE SHOW!



What was up that time Roddy Piper kept quietly chanting “Y2J” while other people were talking?
-Fox, Washington

First off, I have no recollection of this moment even happening. Secondly, if it dad happen, I'm glad I missed it. And finally, we know what was up. Piper was either drunk, high, thinking he was still on set for They Live, or all three. I'm going to go with all three. That's Hot Rod for you. At least he gave us many years of great promos and They Live before he burnt himself to a crisp.

Why do the Wild suck dick?
-T.O., Minnesota

I'm sensing a bitter Minnesota Wild here. Look, the Wild aren't a bad team. Zach Parise, Ryan Suter, Jason Pominville, Mikku Koivu and Thomas Vanek (among others) are talented players, and I personally think Mike Yeo is a very good young coach. There's talent. The reason they got swept was because a) The Blackhawks are really, REALLY good, b) they appear to have Minnesota's number (the Hawks have beaten Minnesota three straight years in the playoffs) and c) Devan Dubnyk stopped being one of the best goalies in the NHL and reverted back to the dude who made the Edmonton Oilers go "thank you, please leave. NOW!". That's why they lost, not because they're bad. Alright, maybe Dubnyk was bad, but not the team. Poor Devan; and here I was thinking I didn't have to make jokes about how bad he was with the Oilers ever again.


Spider-Man reboot? Yay, nay or meh? And who do you want to play the web slinger?
-Subho, the Abyss to Which You Run

Meh, with a side order of extra meh. How many times are they going to reboot the web slinger? Batman thinks they keep going to the well too often for crying out loud. I get that Marvel wants Spider-Man for the upcoming Civil War film, and I'm all for him getting some shine there. But yet another attempt at a Spider-Man series? Stop. The only way I can be convinced this is a good idea is if the right director is picked (unlikely), Donald Glover is cast as Spider-Man or if Marvel stops this trend of turning into a dictatorship that takes away the filmmakers control. Beyond that, I'll be rolling with Zack Snyder. Bring on the haters you Marvel hypocrites!

Did you enjoy Age of Ultron?
-Marvel Executive #33, Disney

I haven't seen it, and I'm not going to see it until Joss Whedon's cut is made available on DVD/Blu Ray. Stop silencing your director's voices Marvel.

What’s a good name for a new wrestling promotion?
-mizfan, LOP

World Wide Championship Wrestling. WWCW. Came up with it when I was eight years old, and have always wondered why someone hasn't done this since. Then again, seeing as everyone is always falling over themselves to apologize for WWE these days despite claiming they hate it and want something new, perhaps it's not surprising no one has stepped up to start something new. Thank goodness for Lucha Underground right?

Frankie Kazarian & Antonio Banderas = The Same Person???
-Dakota, Los Angeles

Sadly, for Kaz, no. You imagine how much he probably wishes he was though? Not that being a successful, entertaining wrestler (who both WWE and TNA misused) who's married to Tracy Brooks isn't good, but come on. Antonio Banderas has lived the life; he's been involved with many attractive women, he's made millions of dollars, he gets to pal around with Robert Rodriguez whenever he wants, and on top of that, he was fucking Zorro. You don't get much better than Zorro. He's like Turok if Turok was Mexican instead of Native American. Or if Zorro was Turok. Now I'm confused; this is what I get for bringing up the Son of Stone.
 
Take that Jurassic Park!

Is there any way Jeff Jarrett (or anyone) could have made TNA a true competitor to WWE when he had the chance?
-Bobby Lashley Guy, Impact Zone

I would like to say that the answer to this is Ted Turner. He loves wrestling, he has two channels that could've provided TNA with a ton of eyeballs, and he proved with WCW he was willing to bankroll a wrestling company for years, regardless of the money it lost. Truthfully though, I don't think he wants to get back into the wrestling business (why would he have waited ten plus years to do so?) and even if he did, no one could've saved TNA. They've had a lot of great talent and at times have been the strongest wrestling promotion in America quality wise, and it's never amounted to anything. It just never was meant to be with TNA; I'm pretty sure Vince McMahon before he lost his mind couldn't have made it a true competitor.

The character of Denny Crane represents the pathos of outliving one’s wits, of confronting the inevitability of decline with humor and aplomb, both softens and satirizes the harsher natures of our conservative culture, and can literally provoke me to tears if I watch certain episodes of Boston Legal. Captain Kirk represents boning green women. How can you continue to defend your intransigent blindness to the obvious truth of this matter??
-Chris, Impact Zone

My apologies readers. Back when I used to write these for Lords of Pain, I frequently received emails from this delusional Boston Legal fan who inexplicably thinks Denny Crane is a better character than the immortal James Tiberius Kirk. Evidently, he has followed me here to pester me once more about how Crane is the greatest thing William Shatner ever did. For the final time dude, it's not even close. Denny Crane is no slouch, but he is no James T. Kirk, captain of the stars, lover of green women, and the cause of death for Bones McCoy at the age of 67. Of all the characters of Shatner I've ever encountered in my travels, Kirk was the most...awesome. See what I did there? Now let it go man!

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn; hot or not?
-Skeegan, UCONN

To be honest; not that big a fan of Margot Robbie as far as looks go. I know, blasphemy, but there's just something about her that I'm not really attracted to. She can act just fine though, and I like the look they have for her as Harley. Very punk rocker esq, which seems to fit exactly what David Ayer is going for with Suicide Squad. Is it wrong I'm more excited for that and Dawn of Justice than the Marvel stuff? Perhaps it's my DC bias talking, but I think those movies could easily top it. Then again, I also think Yvonne Strahovski is hotter than Margot Robbie, so what do I know (a lot is the correct answer)?

There is hope for Mazza and Matt Mortensen yet!

To what one thing do you most attribute the success of the Austin/McMahon feud?
-Julio, Key West

The Montreal Screwjob. Seriously. The main catalyst for why Austin-McMahon was able to take off was the heel turn Vince pulled off in the winter of 1997. What caused him to turn heel? The Screwjob, followed by the whole "Bret Screwed Bret" interview and the underrated Black Hart angle with Owen Hart. The fans rallied against Vince for taking away and, in a manner of speaking, violating their hero and their trust. Austin was then able to take that fan outrage and use it to motivate him against McMahon. He wasn't just fighting for himself; he was fighting for the people who no longer trusted Authority and for Bret, the man who was screwed by a man he trusted. That is what made the feud great for a period of time, and that only exists because of the Montreal Screwjob.

TAWM BRADY IS DA FUCKIN MAN! HE'D NEVA CHEAT  A DAY IN HIS LIFE, AMERICA IS JUST HATIN ON TAWM WICKET HAAARD! COUNT MY SUPERBOWL RINGS BITCH AND DAFLATE DEEZE!
-Rob, New England

...yup, people aren't taking a story about air being let out of a football too seriously at all! Here's a hint, watch real football dude, and leave dear old Roger behind.


Do you think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is going to kill superhero movies once and for all?
-Joss, Sunnydale

It's on its way, if it hasn't already happened yet. I'm a lifelong comic book guy; I love Batman, Superman, Daredevil, Howard the Duck and numerous other heroes. Some of my favorite movies involve these guys, and for the most part I've enjoyed the Marvel films. But recently, it's gotten too much. Ask yourself, seriously, how many of these Marvel films have actually been good. Hell, ask yourself how many superhero films recently have been great? Honestly, the only ones I can think of (not counting Nolan's Batman films obviously) are Guardians of the Galaxy, The Avengers and Captain America: Winter Soldier. Beyond that, Thor and the first Captain America were good but not great, the Iron Man films were vastly overrated, no one remembers the Ed Norton Hulk and Thor 2 was terrible. And that was despite having Chuck Bartowski in it! Also, if we count TV,  Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D hasn't done a whole lot either. It's best moment was when Bill Paxton defected to Hydra for crying out loud. The point is, it's not like they're banging out Kubrick films in the MCU.

Game over man! Game over!

Now, take all of that, combine it with the fact that we're now about to witness yet another Spider-Man reboot, how every single film/show seems exactly the same and that Marvel is turning into the spitting image of a totalitarian 1980's film studio. Does that look like a bright future to you? Financially, I'm sure everything will continue to be fine for Marvel and Disney. The Iron Man films still made money despite getting progressively worse after all. But long term, unless there are more shows/films out there like Daredevil that allow the behind the scenes people to be creative and different, fatigue is definitely going to set in. If nothing else, this is why I'm excited for what DC is going to do. They could easily flop, especially with the hit or miss man himself (Snyder) in the Whedon position, but it'll at least be different than what Marvel is doing. Different is paramount if comic book films want to continue drawing Mayweather money.

True or false: WWE will try to squash the “Ole” chants for Sami Zayn when he is brought up to the main roster, since they did not originate in WWE.
-Garlic Jr., the Death Zone

False, as the WWE seemed fine with them the other night on RAW. How long that lasts is another question. We'll probably find out once Vince McMahon is done issuing another memo about how Roman Reigns is the greatest thing since Pizza Pringles. 

Who the hell do the people who criticize Ric Flair for wrestling a few matches for TNA think they are? Do they think their own made up sense of indignation is worth more than a man’s passion or livelihood?
-David, North Carolina


Man, can we get some LU questions in here sooner or later? All this WWE and TNA talk is making me enjoy this new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. A film that by the way featured the immortal line "THE TURTLES ARE THE VIGILANTES!!!!". Cowafuck you Michael Bay.


Alright, I'll answer the question. I get why people would be upset about Flair wrestling again. Say what you will about how poor WWE may or may not have been recently (I'm being kind there just for you dudes on Right Side of the Pond), but they gave him an awesome retirement match and send off back in 2008. I still get a little teary eyed watching recaps of it. That he then came out of retirement not long after kind of defeats the purpose of all that, which is definitely something that would anger people, America against Tom Brady style. In the end though, people make a bigger deal out it than needs to be made. The dude needed money, he clearly still had the itch, and he's not the first wrestler to Brett Farve his way back into the big leagues. Let it go WWE fans. Why is it when someone big does something in TNA they suck, but when they're awful in WWE they are Gods? Now let's move on. I want some LU here!

Who is Matanza?
-Mazza (Closeted LU fan), England

That's what I'm talking about. I actually asked this question in a mega collab column I did a few months ago, and my answers are the same now. Who I want it to be is CM Punk. I know he's done with wrestling, but he's my favorite and the best wrestler I've ever seen. Plus, the amount of shit that would fill Vince McMahon's pants if Punk went there could be enough to build a real life Hyrule Castle. As that's not realistic though, I'm going to go with the Mexican wrestler Chessman. He's a bigger wrestler than most of the Lucha Underground roster, he's a darker character down in AAA, and as AAA and the LU are associated together, it's very easy for him to come in. One way or another, can we just find out who he is?! I WANT TO KNOW! How many more times do I have to say this before we get some answers? This better not turn into the end of Lost.  

Will Smith as Deadshot -- seriously??
-Eric, Rhode Island

Almost as bad as Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. Speaking of that!

Are you hoping that Deadpool exceeds expectations? Or will it crash and burn like Ryan Reynold's past hero role, Green Lantern?
-Edward, Los Angeles

Deadpool is going to crash and burn quicker than Tom Brady's reputation. I have no faith in Ryan Reynolds for this part; he's not a terrible actor and Green Lantern wasn't entirely his fault, but he also proved with it that he's not the guy to be a superhero. What was Nathan Fillion doing that made him unavailable for this role again? This is the second time Reynolds has stolen a superhero part from him, and just like the last time, I expect the results to be poor. It also doesn't help that Deadpool's director (a Tim Miller) has made the same amount of movies as I have.

Why does Japan have 80,000 wrestling promotions while the rest of Asia and Europe have almost none that are well known?
-Ajax, Germany

Because you touch yourself at night! And also because Japan is, along with Mexico, England, the US and Canada one of the biggest wrestling hotbeds in the world and have New Japan. But mostly, it's the first reason I listed. Get on that, then maybe my boy Alex Wright's promotion in Germany can take off. Or he could come to the states. Can we just bring back Das Wunderkind? Only 40, still in great shape, still the man!


What would you do to improve the Authority as the general antagonists of the WWE?
-Master Splinter, the Sewers

Get rid of them. The Authority served a purpose when Daniel Bryan was making his run that would ultimately end in injury, disappointment and Roman Reigns; now they're just the annoying group in the background when Seth Rollins tries to do something. I'd slowly faze them out and use someone else to fill the power vacuum. Which means in 2018, Vince will finally break them up and then replace them with himself once more. So fresh. So clean.

Bring back Starburns!
-Starburns, Greendale

Ah, a Community...statement? A good one too; where has Starburns been? Did his van/meth lab blow up again? Is he lurking somewhere in the shadows, waiting for the next paintball episode? Is he really Garrett in disguise? Whatever the case, I'm sure we'll see him at some point. It's Starburns; Community without Starburns would be like the show ending with six seasons and no movie. And there will be a movie.

Jeff and Britta or Jeff and Annie. Choose, but choose wisely.
-Grail King, Undisclosed Location

Tough one. On one hand, I spent most of the show rooting for Jeff and Britta, mainly because the first season set that all up and TV shows do a great job at manipulating me. As I've gotten older and wiser though, the thought of Jeff and Britta together is like "there will never be another Sega console" levels of horrifying, not to mention that Jeff and Annie have a lot more chemistry. So in the end, I'm gonna go with...Jeff and Britta. What can I say, chaos is funnier than meant to be. Plus, single Annie gives me hope for wooing a single Alison Brie one day. I know it doesn't make sense, but let me hold onto it anyway!

Beautiful and dangerous

You have chosen...wisely.
-Grail King, Undisclosed Location

Why thank you Mr. Grail Knight who totally isn't me and totally knew I was going to choose wisely before I answered the question!

Am I wrong in thinking that Guardians of the Galaxy is the best movie of the franchise so far?
-Dave, Washington

No; Guardians was hilarious, it made Andy Dwyer a star, it made Dave Bautista look like a genius for telling Vince to John Carter himself, and most importantly it had Howard the freakin Duck. I went to see that film specifically to see the master of Quack Fu, even though he was onscreen for about as long as Fred Durst was famous. The film still remains the biggest winner thus far in the MCU. And to think I thought it was going to bomb! I admit, mistakes were made, though I still regret nothing.

What does Lucha Underground need to compete with WWE on a bigger scale?
-The Man From Another Place, Another Place

Great question. I'll go into this more in a column next week, but what the LU could really use is a new TV Network. I hate saying that because I love El Rey; it's a channel filled with grindhouse flicks, X-Files reruns, kung fu movies and wrestling. That's practically made for me. But unless it gets into more homes soon, El Rey won't be able to get the LU known on a bigger scale. Thus, another network will be needed eventually. I know, sad. It appears we'll be ending this on a sour note.

Super web tasarım hizmetleri!
-Yunus, Turkey

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5 comments:

  1. Best column I've read with 90% wrong answers :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sub! I did what I could, not my fault the guys who sent questions in have different tastes. Who were those guys anyway? I WONDER!

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